1.4 creative writing

My life before and after my grandfather died.

The scenery of this place is at my Grandma and Nan`s house, my Nan life`s with her parent well because of what i`m about to say .

This place was once a beautiful place to stay at, the house was surrounded with flowers dancing an swerving side to side, the well cut green grass. The lemons hanging on to the thick branches of a tree coming from the neighbors garden but is leaning on to our side of the fence. There are multiple colors lying all around the house, like the colors of the rainbow. The colors you would probably notice more at a paint shop. The things you can smell like the nice, delicious baked good cookies and cake, and the well cooked meat, there were some bad smells as well like you would be able to smell the disgusting cigarettes coming from any of the rooms in the house or from outside. The great things you could eat and taste like my Nan’s would make a nice and tasty ambrosia every Christmas, and every time we would go and visit them we would always be aloud to go and have a piece of cake or some cookies. We also be able to have some lollies that was in a jar of candy. The things you could hear like the cat growling for food, or the channels being changed on the television. What would usually happen is that Granddad would be sitting on his chair in the living room watching channels, Grandma would either be sitting on her chair and be reading a book, while Nana would go for a sleep or be outside having a smoke or like always she is at work, and while they are upstairs doing that Nana’s brother would be down stairs having a smoking and/or sleeping, he would also be watching some old movies that look like they were from the 70’s.

NOW:

Now a days the house is still beautiful but not as much as it used to be, the reason why is becuase they don’t really have enough time

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Hi Kahu,

It’s great to see how much you’ve managed to write!

Feedback:
– there are some nice moments of figurative language in here – look to develop more in places
– the sentences jump from one idea to the next. Make sure each sentence naturally comes from the previous one
– read over your sentences aloud to hear if they make sense
– also ensure you are developing the scene at your nan’s house – keep the focus on that.

Today’s feedback:
– Make sure you’re now working with focus to get the next section completed, Kahu.
– be mindful of simple sentence starters

I look forward to seeing how the next section goes!

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